Good Week/ Bad week
A CIEMR
By Don Harward
This past week was a milestone or perhaps a bump in the road, but whatever it was it was full of highs and lows. My middle son joined the ranks of we Harward’s who pick up the sword and responsibility to serve to keep our country free. It was the culmination of a childhood dream to one day serve in our Army as a foot soldier. He wants to serve in the hard jobs and come up from what he perceives as the bottom in terms of jobs at which you have to earn it first. My hat is off to the young man and I wish him God’s protection through the years to come. That experience which spanned several days was a high point…A much needed high point.
The Lows started on Monday when my sister called and informed me our brother was dead. Three years my younger and for the past few years estranged to our family he took his own life with a 9mm. Now I do not have the capacity to comprehend such a thing. I mean how can things get so bad that the only recourse is to end one’s own life?
I started out being shocked and confused, but that only lasted a short time. I quickly became really angry at him. Is there a more selfish act one can do? He left no letter, no notes, and very few clues as to what his life had been these past few years. He left me with the mess of cleaning all this up while trying to deal with it myself and having to lead the family through all this.
I couldn’t sit and just think about it, oh no, I had a Sherriff to deal with, and a couple coroners too. Just like that I was forced to either walk away from it and make him a ward of the state or assume full financial responsibility for everything.
Well, I’ll tell you, at first I thought that if he cared so little about any of us, then perhaps I’d return the favor. I went to bed Monday night thinking that and continued to go with the concept throughout Tuesday. Speaking with the Coroner I learned that he would be buried in an unmarked grave along with a half dozen or so homeless or drug addicts, and yes, that sounded bad, to me and my sister.
But Tuesday night I awoke somewhere in the wee hours and prayed to my Father in heaven. I asked him what I should do. I somehow wanted to do the right thing even if my brother had done nothing to deserve it. I forgave Rick for doing this to us. I forgave him for never having anything to do with my children who are all wonderful people. I forgave him for placing this black mark on my family’s name, and I forgave him for hating me, something I have yet to come to grips with.
Then God gave me what I’ll call a vision because I sort of saw it all in my head, like I was looking down at it and participating at the same time. God gave me a heart to give him some dignity at the closure of his life. My parents and good family name deserve it, and I should serve as an example for the men I have fathered and do what is right.
So I contacted a funeral home and went through the process. I had him cremated after a small viewing as he had no friends at all. I will take the winter to decide what to do with the ashes, and do something later on, next spring, the renewing season.
I have come through this past week maybe a bit tougher, but perhaps with a more tender heart. I started out dealing with a man who spent no time with me or any of our family, and now I have resolved to spend a lot more time with my extended family. He gave us nothing over the years, but I will sell off the “Things” he has and provide for all the nephews he never cared about. I will draw a line in the ground dividing what he represented from the good that can come out of almost anything. I will go on not knowing if I will see him in heaven. If he is not in heaven I suppose I’ll have no memory of him one second after my heart beats for the last time.
Life can be good, and it can be harsh. Seems we get to chart our course and set us on a course dependent on one thing that we do, make our choices.
