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Offline Farmer Jon

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Adult child moved back home
« on: April 12, 2016, 07:47:31 AM »
I got a call from my mother the other day. She said I think your kid is bored. I said I suppose so. Hes lived in your basement with no job no money and no car for over a year. She asked if we needed help on the farm. I said yea we do. She said well come get him and put him to work.

Ive asked the kid to work twice before its always no in don't need the money. Or im busy I have plans. This time he said yea. I almost pooped myself when he said that.  Hes 19 been mooching off grandma for so long I couldn't believe it. Turns out most of the people he runs with are in jail. He just got lucky he didn't get caught. Dealing drugs. Pot mostly from what I gather.

First day was yesterday. Everything went well. He even got up on time. I hope he keeps it up. Hes already looking at cheap cars to buy and has a good attitude.

I am making him pitch in for groceries. 75 a week. Then I thought that was too much we talked about it and he offered 45. Mom  is all bent out of shape about it. My brothers said they would charge him. I see it this way. He is an adult. He can help out. I got my nuts cut because I cant afford another kid. Much less another kid that eats as much as I do.

Am I wrong about that?
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Online Atkinsmatt

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2016, 08:52:02 AM »
I don't think so.  I charged my son, from the time he graduated HS to the time he moved out recently, almost 3 years, 5 bucks a week for rent and groceries.  He has to learn responsibility somewhere.  You can't live anywhere for free.  Everyone is supposed to be a contributing member of society.  The Lord said if you don't work you don't eat.
Matt
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Offline EL TATE

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2016, 08:57:40 AM »
Mom's upset about the discounted rate or that you're charging him at all? I would say you're on the right track and so is he, it would seem. No free rides, he's no longer a child/dependent, so he needs to contribute IMO. My middle sister just got busted drinking at work, lost the job my Dad got for her at the school dist. and is moving back in with him. She's got her issues, but has been coddled her whole life and at 34 still hasn't gotten her S. together. I say keep up with the approach you have got going there, and good luck to you sir.
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Offline stlaser

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2016, 09:29:55 AM »
$45 a week is cheap, I was paying $50 a week in 1996 to my grand parents in an old unheated unairconditioned upstairs of a farmhouse in NE IN. Those were cold winters & hot humid summers but I survived. My grandma did do my clothes washing & when I was there (seldom) the food was top notch. Like others said he's gotta start somewhere & nowhere is free.
Living in the remote north hoping Ken doesn’t bring H up here any time soon…..

Offline fenriswolf039

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2016, 09:51:27 AM »
Good on you for taking him in, and more so for making him cough up some money to help out.

Here's what I'm up to:

My 19 year old daughter and I had a deal.  The deal goes like this:  You take the trash out each and every day before I get home and clear off the kitchen counter so I'm not having to sort through dishes and whatnot before I cook dinner.  Mind you, this deal does not include WASHING the actual dishes, just clear them into the sink or preferably the dish washing machine.  My end of this deal consists of making sure her car is in good mechanical order.

Well, she has never, not once EVER, held up her end of the deal.  So therefore she owed me $2000 for various car repairs.  She's been paying it off, little by little, and has it down to $1100.

Well, this last Saturday, totaled the car.  Following too close, going way too fast.  GPS tracking shows she never hit the brakes at all.  Both airbags deployed, front end packed in really hard, 100% at-fault.

She's been acting all indignant because I told her when the insurance check comes for the car, the repair money comes straight out of that, to be paid in full.  "It's not fair", she says. 

So I says to her, I says... "Tell that to American Express".  And I continually remind her, that she had the sweetest deal on earth, just take the trash out and clean up the dishes that she herself left all over the place, and all these car repairs would have been on the house!  Kids don't know how good they have it.

We all aspire to give our children better lives than what we had, but in the process we spoil the heck out of them... but the alternative is, what... they hate us until the become adult enough to appreciate how hard we made it on them?

It's a fine line.

Offline EL TATE

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2016, 10:22:41 AM »
And worth crossing IMO. 3 sisters. oldest had the "hardest" childhood; responsibilities, chores, punishments. Me, same story, only boy, more is expected, (more was delivered), harder punishments because I should have known better etc. The other two girls basically got away scott free; parents were dabbling in divorce for several years before it finally culminated, and for the "sake of the kids" let them off the hook. They are both a collective mess now, and only myself and my oldest sister are "successful" well adjusted adults. Stick with it.
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Offline Sammconn

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2016, 01:18:29 PM »
If say you're on the right track.
Our son, now 21 and in university had a similar deal.
Now we didn't need the cash, so it was put in an account for school. He didn't have a clue about it, and still has no idea what's left.
The story, he was done HS a full term early wih extra credits and landed a full time job.
HH6 and I wouldn't allow him to drive our vehicles, and due to his dillema he had a car of his own...with the payments that come with. Now a few years later he has paid off the car and is just finishing year two.
Rent and food and even his phone all landed in his account that he had no clue of.

Just an idea if you think there may become ambitions like this and you really don't need the cash.
I just don't want to wind up missing a digit or limb.  I can sometimes get in a hurry to get results.
Sam

Offline Wilbur

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2016, 01:57:13 PM »
I think you are doing the right thing. We coddle kids and coddle them and then "voila" set them free. And then we are surprised when they are not ready to handle the responsibility. They need to walk before they run.

I agree with Sam's (and others) comments about setting aside some of what he is contributing. I was also unsure of what ticked off the wife about the deal- too little or that you were asking at all. I think its okay if not important to ask them to pay some. If the amount is more than she feels is appropriate then setting some aside should make her feel like you are doing two things at once- helping him learn to pay the freight but also building a nest egg he can use for something important too. Good luck!

Rent and food and even his phone all landed in his account that he had no clue of.

Just an idea if you think there may become ambitions like this and you really don't need the cash.

Offline stlaser

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2016, 02:25:14 PM »
I like the nest egg idea at least part of it if feasible. I'm preparing my kids for 18, I tell me once a month anyhow 18 & you're out! :D wife on the other hand tells them they can live here indefinitely..... ::)
Living in the remote north hoping Ken doesn’t bring H up here any time soon…..

Offline wilsonphil

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2016, 09:10:11 PM »
Man, all you guys had it easy when I turned 16 my dad asked me if I was signing up for the military, this is a no-brainer as everyone in my family has went into the military.  Anyway he gave me two choices

1.  Go into the military
2.  Or you don't live here!

so those were my choices Military or Not Here!

Offline TexasRedNeck

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2016, 09:41:46 PM »
Jon, good on you brother.

I'd ask grandma how the mooching lifestyle has worked out for him so far?

Be tough, be real, and be equitable (note, I hate the word "fair") Actions have consequences.

My side of the family all turned out ok, some better than others, but my wifes younger sister is a basket case because she was never taught discipline and self reliance.  As such there is a co-dependent relationship betweeen mom in law and the younger sister. Nothing is her fault, the world is aligned against them and she's a victim.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Joshua 6:20-24

Offline Flyin6

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2016, 10:35:15 PM »
Making a man pay his way is not only OK, it is the correct thing to do.

$45 a week is not much. Double that would be more appropiate

Set standards and make him keep them.

Drugs? You're gone, and I'll have the Sherri ff take you out.

Hick criminal friends: Gone...Make no attempt to contact or see rule Nubba one

These child men need to have their arses kicked back into reality, or they will fail

Tough love is wholly appropriate in the real world
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OldKooT

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2016, 11:02:58 PM »
Our kids pay $100 per month year round from age 14.5-17 Age 17- whenever they pay $250. They buy there own cars/trucks, they pay there own insurance, and they pay half of any extended education.

We have 8 children, the youngest are twin girls 16yr old. 5 have gone to college, 5 own homes and #6 is shopping homes right now with about $42k for his down payment. He has lived on his own since HS graduation.

The rent they have all paid through the years has been used to purchase farm land they will all one day see their kids generate income from.

I am not saying this is the best plan, but it worked for me when I was a kid. I was on my own at age 14 in many ways, I learned early on, being responsible for yourself is rather important.

Offline Farmer Jon

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #13 on: April 13, 2016, 08:12:08 AM »
Everything is going well. So far so good. We had a talk last night about gotta get it together. We both know he don't want to stay here forever. HE said he broke his pot pipe before he came here. We all know its not hard to find another one. Hopefully a few weeks here away from his old stomping ground will do some good.

Thanks for your input. Sometimes a guy needs a little positive reinforcement. Even if it is from someone he never met. 
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Offline Bigdave_185

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #14 on: April 15, 2016, 09:41:46 AM »
I am continually please to be a part of this group of men.  You guys are all great with great intentions.  Jon keep up the good efforts!!  Sounds like another Son on the way to being a man


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Offline JR

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #15 on: April 15, 2016, 10:54:33 AM »
My trials are just a few years out. I believe in teaching them early to be ready for the world. My 13 and 8 year old will be fine, my 11 yr old is a little challenged but he will be fine.

It is great to hear how others handle it.
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Offline Wilbur

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #16 on: April 15, 2016, 11:30:08 AM »
Everything is going well. So far so good. We had a talk last night about gotta get it together. We both know he don't want to stay here forever. HE said he broke his pot pipe before he came here. We all know its not hard to find another one. Hopefully a few weeks here away from his old stomping ground will do some good.

Thanks for your input. Sometimes a guy needs a little positive reinforcement. Even if it is from someone he never met.

Hey Jon I think you are right that a change of scenery can make a big difference. It is somewhat like the training wheels that will help him learn how to ride without the other (bad) influences. Good luck and keep fighting. Kids are worth it. Lord knows I made my share of mistakes along the way and ultimately it was all on me to change. So don't internalize or feel bad about the falls along the way. Good luck to you.

Offline mjmbrown

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #17 on: April 16, 2016, 02:23:48 PM »
I think you are on the right path, when I graduated HS parents told me if I was living @ home I paid rent($100/month) if I wasn't attending classes at the community college. I turned down a 4 year education to stay in town for my high school girlfriend who I've been married to for 15 years. I was told if I wanted transportation I had to buy it my self and I had to pay for insurance/gas/maintenance. From 16 on that was the deal. if my GPA was above a 3.0 my dad would pay for insurance, I assume because of the insurance break.

Offline Farmer Jon

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Re: Adult child moved back home
« Reply #18 on: April 16, 2016, 06:55:51 PM »
Everything is working out real good. He's looking forward to staying for a while longer. Got his eye on a car and looking around a little for permanent employment. I hope he stays on at least until the end of May. The end of planting season. Everyone here is p.eased with his work. We were all skeptical at first because of his past attitude. He would screw around more than work and was an ass. I guess he finally woke up.

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