Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and control towers around the world.
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little
fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to
locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after
touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to
the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked
the flight attendant, "What,exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by
a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took
us a while to find a new pilot."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why
must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you
lost the bloody war."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the
active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts
for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771,
where the hell are you going?! ! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell
the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God!
Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right
there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions
in about half an hour and I want you to
go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that,
US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around
Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
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