Need some feedback from my fellow men

[Superwhdm]

Hey guys. We are 37 and 34.  Im admitting that I am having a hard time in my marriage, we both are.  We have been married 6 years and have two girls together ages 5 and 2.5.  We are currently wrapped up in our professional careers and running after kids.  Stressing about money has some to do with it.  But bottom line, I can be difficult and she can be ..absent from the room..for lack of a better term.  Im trying to find a path to being a better man, husband and father.  I have a few guys friends I can talk to but not often.  Ive never really had a solid man based forum in which to gather pov’s and draw positive energy from. My wife’s father is an alcoholic in denial who cannot be personal, and my relationship with my father is stressed because he has treated my mom terrible for decades-which I resent. I dont go to him for this help. That’s part of how I am difficult. I sometimes catch myself talking to my wife the way he does to my mother.  I recognize it though, and I want to change it.  My wife has come out to tell me that she is depressed and hates her job as a teacher which she has done for 13 years.  We have started to look for counselors to talk to because, honestly I dont know how to navigate this tough time.  I wanna to do what’s best for my marriage and for my family.  I know what my girls see in me is what they will look for in a man-and I need to be better. 

Im just hoping to draw form a good source of experience and from good men.  Thanks guys, I look forward to outside opinions and points of view.

J

[Bigdave_185]

Not an expert, nor am I perfect, my wife is but not me.

Religion or faith would be where Don would start,

The absent from the room comment says cell phone or social media,  I’d say turn them off both parties

The job she doesn’t like anymore is a tough one but I am sure Don can tel ya more.  His wife just went through a good job change that came from a closing door and another opening

Take time to do things with each other kid free.   




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[wyorunner]

Like a lot of men here, we turn to prayer for all of our struggles, first and foremost. I say this because it has brought my wife and I through some pretty tough times.

Money will always be a difficult subject if you don’t attempt to face it together. We live on one income with a small amount of cash from odds and ends I do as a stay at home father and house husband. So money is something we are familiar with asking the question of, “how are we going to pay for ____”

Absent from the room is a tough one, because if it’s a device that has her and or yourself removed, that can be a full blown addiction and has to be addressed.

Maybe change one thing in your life to try to become closer as a family. Dinner at the table vs on the couch? Or the other way around. All the while no phones or video games.

Start with something small, improve that one piece and expand from there. From what I’ve seen, there is nothing that can’t be overcome if both parties are involved in improving the situation.

As far as her job, that’s a tough one, because I’m sure it’s important for bills and what have you. Look at the cost savings if she became a stay at home mom, vs kids going to daycare. It might be more than you realize. Potentially approach homeschooling if it makes enough sense for her to stay home. This way your children get the education you want them to have, your saving money from daycare costs, and she can leave a bad work environment.

Lastly, this is one that my wife and I struggle with, but it’s all about to change because her hours are changing in December, but, you have to find time for you two a husband and wife. Dinner, movie, hiking, cycling, running, kayaking, fishing, sitting in a tree stand, something. We have running which we do together and have logged thousands of miles side by side, and crossed many finish lines hand in hand. Find something you can have as a team.

May God be with you during this tough time, and bless you with the wisdom you need to improve yourself as a husband, father and an individual. May He open a door for your wife to find new employment or a better situation.

Be patient, and trust in Him, He will help.

[Flyin6]

Well, Dave, you're right, sort of

I'm no counsler, not a psychologist, and not a (anywhere near) a perfect man.

But reading this, that little voice was speaking to me.

One thought that quickly came to mind, is about what other people do to us...Do you know what that is?

Answer: Other people do to us only what we allow them to do.

You see you cannot control what someone else does, or says. We can however control how we react to it. She says you are (for example only) not there for her. So you should listen and take that information in. Following that we can choose to feel bad because at your core you love her and the thought of you falling short really bothers you. Or you can choose to not feel bad and instead, search your thoughts, get her to talk about it, and most of all, pray for her. Pray for her happiness. Pray for her to be fulfilled in the marriage God has given the both of you. Pray for her happiness. Pray for understanding and sensitivity to her needs and to have ears to hear the things you need to hear to be a better husband.

For you, one of the best pieces of advice I can give is to seek the help of a Christian psychicist, psychologist, or Counsellor. Go and spend some money there and get to know yourself. Explain the issues and have the doctor give you reasons, advice and courses of action that are scriptural. That last piece is paramount. Houses built on sand will wash away. Problems viewed through the lens of man and not the eyes (word) of God is infallible. All you have to do is to heed the word and take action. If you do what God tells you to do to the point of self denial, then your marriage cannot fail. God does not destroy marriages. God shows grace and heals wounds, and fills voids with love. If you place him in the center ahead of her, ahead of you, in front of everything you will not fail.

[stlaser]

I share many similarities in this situation, not exactly the same but can relate on several levels.

How does the wife react around her father? Is there a relationship? I’m guessing not or if there is it’s a bit strained at best?

Couple thoughts, you as her husband have to be everything he never was. Unfortunately, that will put additional stress on you. However, you are the man and that is what us men do. You are the glue, it’s pretty clear whether you desire that responsibility or not.

You can’t become your father either or this will never work. My wife used to call me my Dads name at times. For the record I despise him and what he is / was but if she is calling me that then it’s a wake up call for me. Bite your tongue and I know it’s hard to do trust me. Especially when you were raised in that type of environment as was I.

I don’t see anything about church or prayer stated originally. You could start by praying with her nightly. You lead after gathering concerns, focus on her concerns. Pray for the changes you both desire. Be very pointed in those prayers, don’t generalize.

As others have stated the more you and the wife do together the better. I don’t care to shop for groceries or hang out in coffee shops on Sat mornings but I take the time to do so. I didn’t do those things years ago, no joke the gun store was a sat morning ritual for me.

The wife and marriage is first priority and kids are second. That is easier said than done but it’s the way it needs to be.

Small changes add up to huge gains sometimes.

[Bigdave_185]

The wife and marriage is first priority and kids are second. That is easier said than done but it’s the way it has to be

This right here I believe in.

No house hold will be any easier than with a relationship between a husband and wife looking out for each other and putting THEM as the top priority.   If mom and dad are happy than the family unit falls directly behind

Much like a truck pulling a trailer. Mom the front axle and dad the rear drive axle. The family rides in the back.    The trailer follows but if the truck has an issue the trailer can’t do anything.




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[wyorunner]

The wife and marriage is first priority and kids are second. That is easier said than done but it’s the way it needs to be.

Also a firm believer in this and have made it known to our son. A friend of ours commented to us about this before we had our son, and with it they also stated, marriage is not a 50/50 relationship, it’s 100/100, both parties need to work at maximum possible to endure hard times.

[TexasRedNeck]

Sorry to hear about your struggles, but glad you reached out to the group.

Your relationship with Christ is the first and most important.  Then your wife and then your kids.  You and your wife are now “one flesh” and you should love her “as Christ loved the church”.

Hard to give specific advice without knowing more, but here are some thoughts.

Money: is it  money or the spending?  I believe that a mother should be at home with the children. No one should be raising my kids but their mom.  2 incomes allow you to chase theJoneses but at what cost?

Time:  Make time for each other.  Date night, or some other activity.  Plan it and put it on the calendar.

Listen: You are the spiritual leader for your family and are the ulitimate decision maker and should make those decisions in accordance with scripture.  You need to listen to what she’s saying and any disagreements are usually solved by approaching them from a scriptural perspective.  Every time I let my ego force a decision or keep me from apologizing, I know I’m wrong.

For a little humor

https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg


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[Superwhdm]

Guys, thank you for taking the time out of your day to respond to me and offer insight.  It means a lot.

Stlaser, she has a good relationship with her father, though she sees things now as an adult she didn’t comprehend as a child.  She doesn’t resent him like I do my father.  My father is verbally abusive to my mother and destroyed her spirit to stand up to him.  They have been married for almost 40 years.  I believe he hates himself and doesn’t know any better.  He says his father was the same way and that’s just “how he is”. I think that’s weakness.  Any man can change and better themselves-I guess they have to want to.  I never had a grandfather on either side and never knew my dads father.  My wife has said many times “you’re just like your dad” and I used to be angry at this until I realized I was just that.  That’s when I recognized it for what it was.  I know I dont want to be like him. But I must forgive him.

Don, I have done just as you suggested. We have gotten a few names from our church’s Care Ministry coordinator.  We have chosen what seems like a good team, a married couple that are both psychologists. We will see them soon.  Both our sets of parents are very loving and giving regardless of their issues.  We are taking the good from it and forming our own expectations of what family should be.  Be good to each other and others, love much and respect with patience.

My wife being absent from the room is in fact social media. She says its her escape from stress.  I asked her why I wasn’t her escape.  Then I realized we dont do anything and I need to step up and MAKE time.  She also has legitimate medicated ADD and sometimes will walk past me not even realizing I was talking to her.  That’s one of the things I had a hard time with but we have worked on that’s and its much better.

The other main issue I am seeing now that the kids are getting older is this-what they see growing up is what they will seek as an adult.  We must be first and have a healthy supportive relationship because my girls must know that is a norm and seek to have that family dynamic for their own. 

Im not sure what can be done about my wife’s job.  We depend on the income and staying at home wouldn’t save us much money.  She is a very good teacher and the leadership goes to her for opinions and suggests she run meetings and committees.  In fact, other teachers, who are lazy, talk bad of her because she sets the bar so high.  That’s becoming a big stressor at work, she takes it to heart. I tell her she is doing the right thing and not to worry about what others are saying. It’s the same reason Trump is attacked every single day.  Because he is changing the normal complacent way of doing things by leading for the the best interest of the greater good instead of just bing there for oneself.

TexasRedNeck, as I was typing you chimed in-Thanks brother! We are making more time for each other.  She wants to join a gym and I told her Id go with her.  I think that would be beneficial in so many ways. We used to run together. As for the money-we got in debt when we built our house, to the tune of 43k in credit and loan debt. Some of it was not budgeting for sure. We enrolled with a debt counseling agency who got the interest rates lowered for the most part and we pay 1086$ a month towards it in one check, which they disburse to the separate accounts. That’s a huge chunk for us and big stressor.  We no longer use credit cards for anything. Also we have paid that down to 21k in 2 years.

Thanks again guys.  Ive enjoyed reading every one of these responses. Ill continue to check in.

[Bear9350]

Sounds like you are already making some good changes.  My wife and I are in similar life stages, 7 years married and 2 young kids.  A couple of additional ideas to help you and her spend more time together.  Last summer we started a subscription to a date box.  You get a little box with some little games to play together every month.  It was just a couple hours that we could easily plan for after putting the kids to bed.  I though it sounded silly and stupid at first but it always turns into a fun night.

We also recently found a bible study/ life group to take part in.  In the past it had always been hard to make time for it with the kids.  The group we are in now consist primarily of other couples with young families.  We split up food assignments and start the evening with a potluck style dinner.  Then we split up into groups for bible study while the older kids help watch the younger kids in the nursery area.

Just because your wife is good at her job doesn't mean it is what she should be doing.  My sister started her career as teacher, and I think she was a really good one.  But after a few years she was burned out and made a career change and is much happier with better pay.  My wife had also struggled quite a bit with her career.  Simply put, what she went to college for is not really a viable career in the area we live/ the life she would enjoy.  She bounced around from job to job for quite a while but was never really happy/ satisfied with her job.  A couple years ago we sat down and talked about what she wanted to do.  She thought she would really like to get into marketing, something her schooling does not qualify her for at all.  We prayed about it and I encouraged her to do some searching and take a few interviews.  After a couple failed attempts she got her foot in the door doing some social media marketing work and web design stuff for a local Baptist University.  She loves what she is doing now has great co-workers that encourage her in her faith and we get access to the faith based daycare ran by the university.

[Flyin6]

I love this, and this is what Jesus wants, all of us working together in a community that uses his father as the well spring. In that we have a church of sorts here.

I'd say, from what I see and understand of this marriage that it is totally fixable. I see you in a "Season" of your life, and one that will ultimately serve as a stepping stone to a stronger and more grounded relationship going forward. If you are committed to God, I mean, how can it fail? If you take his advice and not man's or the devil's, how can that be wrong.

Tex gave advice directly from the scripture...Scriptures which I know that you already know. So, bring them to life in your relationship. Turn the scripture into the active tense and practice what he preaches.

For my part, I will lift you up in prayer, (although you should find someone a little more sin free than me)

Ecclesiastes 4:12 ► New International Version

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

one strand: you
Two strands: You and her together
Three strands: You/her/Holy Spirit (Or Jesus, or God, whichever you prefer)

[Flyin6]

Something else that just came to mine.

Did you realize that you actually have authority over your wife that is given by God through his institution of marriage? And did you know that you have the authority over spirits that may be in her that do not belong there?

If she is a child of God, then only the holy spirit has the legal right to live within her, no others, other than those that snuck in there because she invited them (Ponorgraphy in men for example) or those that her parents put in there, or generational curses. So if there is something in there that does not belong, you have been given authority by God through Jesus to command it to leave. That is how pastors excise demons. And believe me, bro, they are real, real, real!

Your spirit can only hold the holy spirit once saved, nothing else. But your soul and your body is a whole different story. The spirit is born anew at the moment of salvation, but the soul remains unchanged. Like someone who is sick and healing, it may take a very long time for the spirit to affect and actually renew the rest of the person. As that person discovers, for example, that they are, say, addicted to gambling, then that person wielding a much stronger spirit can change the soul permanently and break the bonds.

But in the construct of a marriage, the man is the spiritual leader, and can therefore claim dominion over the wife and command any entity that does not have a legal right to be there to leave, and that entity must leave. Caveat: You can yell until the cows come home and that "thing" will do nothing if it has a legal right to live in her. It gets that legal right by being invited by the host. If you are rebuking a spirit of drunkenness, but she is faking wanting to change and really wants to drink more wine, then you are wastin' calories.

However if you get her to rebuke anything that is not of the kingdom of God, and that does not have the legal right to be in her, and you can kick it to the curb quicker than the democrats will spin any thing bad that happens into Trumps fault!

All that came on me as I was posting my last, I have to think that came from the spirit.

[Superwhdm]

Well said Don, I certainly feel this is a step in my life in which I am being challenged to grow.  I accept it.  This is something we will do together and I know we will ultimately come out better for it.  This situation reads exactly like many stories I have heard before~ When you are at your lowest and with no direction, God will still be there, trust in him and the truth and the way will be revealed.  I will be honest, I am excited about our journey.  I am looking forward to the places it takes us and power we will realize we have, together.

Thank you for the Prayers.

Bear I have heard about DateBox, I remember seeing something about it and thought it was a good idea.  I just forgot about it until now.  Im going to look into it and some other activities to do together-without phones and social media, but outdoors and active.

[Flyin6]

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 | Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 118:24 | The Lord has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad.

John 16:24 | Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Psalm 32:7 | You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Nehemiah 8:10b | "...And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

Isaiah 12:6 | "... Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion, for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel."

Romans 15:13 | May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

[oklawall]

Well here again no experet my first marraige end when she started to harm our kids but there was more than enough blame to go around. 2nd marraige going strong with bumps in the road but nothing that God couldn't navigate us through. All the other men have said in one way or another everything I have to say. Put God first and everything else will fall into place

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