Author Topic: Post your funny one liner (Read 7339 times)

Flyin6 · « **on:** August 28, 2015, 08:48:56 AM »

I haven't verified this on Snopes yet, but it sounds legit: A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Dawg25385 · « **Reply #1 on:** August 28, 2015, 09:24:50 AM »

Haha! That's a good one!

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Atkinsmatt · « **Reply #2 on:** August 28, 2015, 10:14:10 AM »

The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it is still on the list.

Atkinsmatt · « **Reply #3 on:** August 28, 2015, 10:15:49 AM »

How can 1 match start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

JR · « **Reply #4 on:** August 28, 2015, 11:14:19 AM »

The RN driver says, "here, hold my beer, I'm goin to try somethin"

EL TATE · « **Reply #5 on:** August 28, 2015, 12:20:02 PM »

Courtesy of Grandpa Conrad. Cattle rancher, WWII 11th Airborne raid on Los Baños, Union master certs in electrical, plumbing, welding, painting, glazing, and framing.

"That's slicker 'n snot on a doorknob"
"It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock"
"Who's we? you got a turd in your pocket?"
"That boy's sharp like a marble"
"Well, I suppose you could do it that way, if you like doing it wrong"
"If you shoot where the bird isn't, you'll miss every time"

rpar86 · « **Reply #6 on:** August 28, 2015, 12:44:30 PM »

This one is courtesy of my father in law:

Its hotter than a goat eating a blow torch.

Dawg25385 · « **Reply #7 on:** August 28, 2015, 01:09:23 PM »

My ole man's response to "well, if....."

"Son, if a frog had wings, he wouldn't smack his a$$ on the side of the pond"

Nate · « **Reply #8 on:** August 28, 2015, 02:14:24 PM »

i love that marble one tate!

i also like this one as well "bacon eaten from the counter never existed"

TexasRedNeck · « **Reply #9 on:** August 28, 2015, 06:29:10 PM »

From my grandfather. Said when you injure yourself.
"It could've been worse, it could've been me"

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cudakidd53 · « **Reply #10 on:** August 28, 2015, 06:36:54 PM »

"Can't fix stupid"

"That's gonna leave a mark"

"Well, when if and buts are honey and nuts, what a Merry Christmas we'll all have"

"That boy's got a whole lotta quit in him"

Sammconn · « **Reply #11 on:** August 28, 2015, 07:21:52 PM »

Sorry Don. Couldn't resist.

Quote from: Flyin6 on August 25, 2015, 08:27:58 PM

I already said it was next in queue

Wilbur · « **Reply #12 on:** August 28, 2015, 08:52:15 PM »

You know why men die before their wives? Cause they want to.

(My wife hates that one! :) )

She's been walking around with marks on her from where guys been touching her with 10 foot poles.

He/she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Dumber than a box full of hammers.

He smells like the south end of a north facing bull.

TexasRedNeck · « **Reply #13 on:** August 29, 2015, 06:05:27 PM »

Weaker than a popcorn fart

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Dawg25385 · « **Reply #14 on:** August 29, 2015, 08:14:13 PM »

Quote from: TexasRedNeck on August 29, 2015, 06:05:27 PM

Weaker than a popcorn fart

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Haha my dad has a variant of that... "Dryer than a popcorn fart"

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Nate · « **Reply #15 on:** August 29, 2015, 10:13:44 PM »

that dude's so old, he farts dust.

Sammconn · « **Reply #16 on:** August 29, 2015, 10:20:38 PM »

I suggest you shut your mouth before I slap the stupid out of it.

Flyin6 · « **Reply #17 on:** August 29, 2015, 10:43:59 PM »

That boy's sharper than a finely honed log!

Flyin6 · « **Reply #18 on:** August 29, 2015, 10:44:37 PM »

Measure it with a micrometer, mark it with a crayon, and cut it with a chainsaw

TexasRedNeck · « **Reply #19 on:** August 30, 2015, 08:04:11 AM »

So ugly looks like his face caught fire and they put it out with a shovel.

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TexasRedNeck · « **Reply #20 on:** August 30, 2015, 08:07:01 AM »

Said to express dislike for some one :

If he was on fire I wouldn't cross the road to piss on him to put him out.

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Flyin6 · « **Reply #21 on:** August 30, 2015, 09:14:07 AM »

I'm so broke, I can't even afford to pay attention!

Sammconn · « **Reply #22 on:** August 30, 2015, 02:23:57 PM »

Give a man a fish he can eat for a day...
Teach a man to fish, he will hang out in his boat and drink beer with his buddies all the time.

EL TATE · « **Reply #23 on:** September 01, 2015, 10:20:23 AM »

Quote from: Flyin6 on August 29, 2015, 10:44:37 PM

Measure it with a micrometer, mark it with a crayon, and cut it with a chainsaw

That's got to be in regards to Duane, lol

Atkinsmatt · « **Reply #24 on:** September 01, 2015, 10:34:49 AM »

Duct tape is like the force, it has a dark side and a light side and holds the universe together.

Atkinsmatt · « **Reply #25 on:** September 01, 2015, 10:38:19 AM »

I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.

Flyin6 · « **Reply #26 on:** September 01, 2015, 10:40:57 AM »

Quote from: Atkinsmatt on September 01, 2015, 10:34:49 AM

Duct tape is like the force, it has a dark side and a light side and holds the universe together.

I know for a fact I flew a chinook with a hole in one blade the size of a football...wrapped in duct tape...We made it back on that!

KensAuto · « **Reply #27 on:** September 01, 2015, 10:43:17 AM »

To sarcastically answer yes to something: "is a bullfrog's rear waterproof?"

Nate · « **Reply #28 on:** September 01, 2015, 11:17:23 AM »

Quote from: Atkinsmatt on September 01, 2015, 10:34:49 AM

Duct tape and 550 cord are like the force, they have a dark side and a light side and holds the universe together.

i fixed it for yah

EL TATE · « **Reply #29 on:** September 01, 2015, 12:21:53 PM »

"When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running."
"A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it."
"You're not fat, you're just... easier to see."
"Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up."

KensAuto · « **Reply #30 on:** September 01, 2015, 12:48:45 PM »

Tate, that last one is Soo true.

cudakidd53 · « **Reply #31 on:** September 01, 2015, 03:15:12 PM »

Did your mother have any children that lived?

Atkinsmatt · « **Reply #32 on:** September 01, 2015, 03:23:52 PM »

Never waste a good chance to shut up.

cudakidd53 · « **Reply #33 on:** September 01, 2015, 04:12:38 PM »

"If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. If Momma ain't happy long enough, you're gonna be unhappy missing half your stuff!"

EL TATE · « **Reply #34 on:** September 02, 2015, 11:01:17 AM »

From Nate:
"I think that boys cheese just slid off his cracker!"

Sammconn · « **Reply #35 on:** September 02, 2015, 11:53:02 AM »

Gonna, right after this bumper gets painted and installed. :o

DOOLEY · « **Reply #36 on:** September 02, 2015, 12:12:04 PM »

Boy!--- GOD gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason/ listen twice as much as you speak

TexasRedNeck · « **Reply #37 on:** September 02, 2015, 01:29:30 PM »

Quote from: Sammconn on September 02, 2015, 11:53:02 AM

Gonna, right after this bumper gets painted and installed. :o

ROFL!

Happy wife, happy life

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Wilbur · « **Reply #38 on:** September 02, 2015, 01:39:47 PM »

I feel like a 1 legged man in an a** kickin' contest

Winton Churchill had some GREAT one liners....some very serious obviously during WWII but also some really funny ones:

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.

And given where we are in America right now this one is particularly appropriate...
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Nate · « **Reply #39 on:** September 02, 2015, 01:46:24 PM »

oxygen thief!

TexasRedNeck · « **Reply #40 on:** September 02, 2015, 02:07:23 PM »

He's been 12 rounds with an ugly stick

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Bob Smith · « **Reply #41 on:** September 02, 2015, 02:38:40 PM »

Don't pee on my leg and then try to convince me it is raining

husker77c · « **Reply #42 on:** September 02, 2015, 02:44:27 PM »

"That'll buff out"

cudakidd53 · « **Reply #43 on:** September 07, 2015, 11:02:47 AM »

Just saw this one on "Fast n' Loud" - "In Texas, you're born with your prick and your word, ya' gotta keep both!"

Cleaning coffee off the table now.........

TexasRedNeck · « **Reply #44 on:** September 07, 2015, 05:54:27 PM »

IIEIGISBI: idiots, idiots, everywhere I go, I'm surrounded by idiots.

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