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Online cudakidd53

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A Father's Lamentation
« on: October 02, 2018, 11:28:46 AM »
A Fathers Lamentation


My son, Jacob Michael Poehler, lost his battle with Bipolar Depression on Friday night, September 28, 2018 in Milwaukie. Oregon; he took his own life.  His older sister and I spoke of the possibility of this outcome over the last few years.  We were out of communication with him over the last 4 months of his life; phone calls and texts were rarely answered and if they were there was no sustained conversations or information exchanged.  His mother is who he?d chosen to talk with and there wasn?t much sharing from that.

I received a text from Jacob?s mother while I was out of town on Saturday night imploring me to call her immediately; around 10pm she gave me the news.  I was devastated, out of town, alone in a hotel room and over 300 miles from my wife and 13 year old daughter.  I had to start making phone calls, my wife, my father, my childhood and best friend and his family as well as texting those whom I was closest with involved in the event that caused me to be out of town who fortunately are amongst my closest friends.

With the phone down, silent and finally out of my hand and ear, the silence of that room started to envelope me and my thoughts started to swirl.  I knew, that nothing I could do would bring Jacob back yet, immediately, all the things I should have done, all my failures as a husband to my first wife and a father to Jacob started to come in waves.

The one thing that survived the scrutiny of validation is this - I totally failed in my charge as a father, to bring my son up in the ways of the Lord.  The travesty of divorce drove me, unwillingly out of his and his older sister?s lives for roughly 8 years.  It wasn?t until the birth of their half sister that I was able to reconnect and start the process of repairing the damaged relationships between all of us, including Jacob?s mother.  I had some opportunities, but I failed to share God?s gift of salvation and redemption with my son and oldest daughter - the reality is this: because of my failure, Jacob is doomed to spend eternity in hell and away from the gift of everlasting life; I hope that I?m wrong, but there was never confirmation to me that Jacob accepted God?s gift of Salvation.  Bad enough that I?ve lost my son, but the possibility that Jacob?s act to escape the tortures of Bipolar Depression without accepting Christ has placed him in a far worse and more torturous place; Hell for eternity.  This is my cross to bear and the weight of it is crushing me!  Had I had discussions with Jacob about his depression and the transformative power of Christ?s love and the free gift of Salvation he might still be with us today and living free from the demons of Bipolar Depression; at least I would know he was at peace with God and have the promise of being together again in the glory and grace of Eternity with Christ. 

There is such a gaping hole in my soul acting like a vacuum sucking energy from my heart and leaving me feeling empty at times.  I?m doing well in spite of this, and know I will speak of this to the myriad of his friends from the world of Drifting - they have done amazing things already that were direct answers to my prayers and those of you Realmen!  I will speak at his memorial sometime at the end of the month and pray that I have the grace, courage and strength to speak the words to everyone there that I failed God and my son Jacob by not speaking to him.  I pray for the Holy Spirit to work through me and give me the words to write and speak to serve God?s plan in all of this.  It will not absolve me of guilt and failure, but give me the knowledge that I listened to His voice in that lonely motel room in Iowa last Saturday night.  I will know that in some small way I may reach someone else? sons and daughters; at least I might plant some seeds of hope for them.

Please speak the words your sons and daughters need to hear from you their fathers; I wish this quilt and pain on nobody else or their children.  God is great - let them know of his gift and at least then, the choice is theirs; I failed to inform and teach Jacob of that choice.

I now have a better grasp and understanding of the book of Lamentations?...
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"When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. Hence, dealing with this fact is not difficult. It is only hard for those still living around you.....It's the same when you're stupid."

Offline cruizng

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2018, 04:08:46 PM »
So sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine it. Praying for your strength and family. 
Mike
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Online Bob/OlallaWa

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2018, 07:53:14 PM »
Deep Breath,,, Know that whatever you have done or wished you had done, at this point is mute. Hold you head high as you did the best you could do given the parameters you had to work with. So sorry for your loss, be strong and walk forward, God is walking with you.

Offline EL TATE

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2018, 12:14:43 PM »
Mike,

Mental health is probably the worst thing I've had to deal with in my own life. Between my sister and my stepson your experience is ever present in my mind. One really bad day and one really bad decision and it could be over. I'm sorry that you have to experience this, and that he thought it was his only option at the time. He is the only one that will truly ever know if he'd accepted God's love, but in these scenarios, with an all loving God and the mass of doctrinal differences of opinion out there, I like to think about Christ ministering to the dead during after his death and before his resurrection. I don't know what the ultimate resolution is from that, but it gives me comfort somehow. I don't want to simply offer condolences or try to imagine how you must be feeling, but if this helps in anyway, then I've succeeded in being a friend. God bless you and your family and give you comfort in His love. I feel like He's hurting for you and your son as well.
Husband, Father, Gear guy, Patriot.

Offline Bigdave_185

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2018, 06:53:02 PM »
I don?t ever profess to be a religious scholar or bible thumper but there is one thing in this life I am positive of, our savior knows our hearts first and foremost. Second thought I have is that our God and him being our true father much like any of us fathers will not abandon those in need of help.   I am thankful everyday for the Holy Spirit and the grace of God that gets me by day by day.   

I have never had the personal experience like yours.  The thought of a good life lost always brings tears to my eyes.  Typing in a dark corner with a shut door of my now empty home thinking of the life that could have been. Life can be such a nasty business and we are here to live it.   Prayers for you and family and your son, that the good dead?s might shine a bright light for him to see in the darkness.

Sorry for rambling

Offline Farmer Jon

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2018, 07:39:11 AM »
Sorry for your loss.
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Offline Flyin6

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2018, 02:06:56 PM »
This is a lot

Two losses really

Very sorry for everything...
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Online cudakidd53

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2018, 04:02:27 PM »
Been off-line for a bit due to the Memorial Service for Jacob, my son.  I'm posting my remarks from his service below; there were 200+ kid his age there from all over the country and Canada.  Vancouver, Oregon, Wisconsin, Illinois and a pair of his friend drove in from Seattle Washington in a Drift car.....that's dedication!  Hopefully the words planted a seed for some of them; I do know it spoke to my fathers heart as he was there with my younger brother and commented so.  Thanks to all of you for your prayers!

Jacob Michael Poehler

I want to thank everyone for this awesome showing of support to Jacob?s mother Jeanie and husband Dave, sister Alexa and her husband Dax and their son Toan, Jacob?s step-mother Stacy, sister Madison and I, during this difficult time.

Jacob was my only son; I was proud and excited about the man he was becoming.  Jacob was always a hilarious kid.  One Christmas Eve in church when Jacob was probably 4 years old, Father Jim called the kids up front to read the Christmas Story to them.  When gets to the part where it mentions ?the Ox and the Ass?, Jacob busts out, ?Ooooh, he said ASS!? breaking the place up in polite chuckles. 

Not long after that Christmas, Jacob continued with his at Church comedy routine.  After Sunday morning service, he was standing next to one of the women of the church (Ruth Kozlowski) he?d regularly give a hug to.   As he?s standing next to her, arms around her legs he proceeded to run his hand up one of her legs below her skirt proclaiming, ?Ooooh, SLIDEY? referencing the slick nature of her nylons; only Jacob could pull that off and make you wonder if he actually hadn?t planned it somehow!

I?ve recently learned things about Jake I didn?t know; for example, he LOVED karaoke!  Shouldn?t have been a surprise to me; before children, his mother and I had a mid 60?s Plymouth Valiant we called the Green Bean.  One Friday evening, out driving around in it we both spontaneously started belting out Show Tunes from Musicals without ANY idea where we were coming up with from!  Come to find out, Jacob LOVED to torture his friends, trapping them in his vehicle blasting John Denver tunes, with him singing at the top of his lungs!

His spontaneity involved road trips - like driving off to the I-80 Truck Stop in Iowa, labeled as the World?s Largest Truck Stop.  What?s not to like?  Acres of parking, hot showers, diner food, ice cream, shopping, haircuts, Semi-Wash and Detailing, Full Service Diesel Mechanic, Movies, Game Room, Fuel etc.  While he was there, he came across an assortment of truck stop t-shirts and thus started his collection of dramatic wildlife t-shirts.

The one that stands out in my memory was one of two wolves; a white one howling at the moon while a dark one slinks in the background. 

As I recalled this shirt of Jacob?s, it reminded me - Native Americans often compare man?s soul to being two indwelling wolves, a white one and a black one; a struggle between good and evil.  There is EVIL in this world, we all see it; sometimes we fail to recognize it.  Bipolar Depression is one of those evils and it cost us Jacob.

Alone in a motel room in Southwestern Iowa, the call I never wanted to make or receive came.  At the first sound of Jeanie?s voice, I felt my heart being rendt from my chest - a raw, burning emptiness growing with each minute.  After the call and subsequent calls I needed to make, ifs and buts swirled through my head.  Some of those calls I made that night were for request of prayers for all of us and especially Jacob?s mother Jeanie.  I spent that night myself praying for us all and especially Jeanie.  I feared for what awaited her once she and Dave got to Oregon to deal with it all. 

Those prayers worked miracles on multiple levels, which in turn, started to refill the emptiness in my heart.  When Jeanie and Dave arrived in Oregon, several of Jacob?s friends had of their own will and initiative, cleaned Jacob?s place, packed up his belongings, arranged for driving his truck, drift car, trailer and belongings back here to Illinois - YOU gentlemen, answered those prayers and I cannot thank you enough!

At times like this, people tend to ask the question, why?  I don?t think there?s ever an answer for that.  What I do believe, is that there is always something good that can come out of tragedy and evil.  Despite all the negative thoughts, self blaming and doubt I?ve had - what really stuck was the one failure I have to own through it all.  As a Christian father, I failed to make certain that Jacob knew about Christ?s love and gift of redemption for all of us.  Which wolf do we choose to feed?  I choose to feed the white one and starve evil.  That fatherly duty, that I failed to do for Jacob, I share instead with all of you-

 For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth on him, shall not perish but have everlasting life.  God loves you all - He gave his only begotten son, Jesus; for salvation of this lost and dying world.  It?s his free gift to all of humankind, who must do but one thing - accept it.  We must only admit we are sinners, ask God for forgiveness of our sins and accept his gift of redemption.  If you would like to know more about this, please don?t hesitate to speak with me.

So, what proof do I have for Christ?s love and salvation you ask?  The strength and ability to speak to you tonight.  The answered prayers for Jeanie, where Jacob?s friends stepped up and did the remarkable.  The story of one of Jacob?s friends reaching out to Jacob regarding that friends own struggle with Depression and Jacob talking that individual out of ending their life; they?re alive today.  Untold acts of kindness and supportive words of friends and strangers for multiple members of Jacob?s family; these are the things that help fill that void rendt ones my chest from our loss of Jacob?s.

So, in my mind, funerals are catharsis for the living; we support each other in the loss of someone we love as we say goodbye.  Now what if we flipped that for a minute - JUST THINK how different our lives could be, if we all made sure to show and tell people how special they are with regularity while we are ALIVE?  Which wolf would we be feeding if we all did that? 

In this present age of the digital world, it?s too damn easy to tear each other down through social media.  Put down the phones, get off Facebook, talk face to face, look each other in the eyes and get to know each other on a deeper and more personal level.  Think how different life might be? 

Instead of stumbling now through the aftermath of the black wolf?s feast, we might all be watching that wild child with the long brown hair, shorts and his moccasins, singing karaoke with an impish grin, or smoking the tires on his yellow Nissan as he drifts around the track with glee!

I ask that you all:

SEEK GOD?S SALVATION-
SUPPORT EACH OTHER-
LEAN ON EACH OTHER-
BUILD EACH OTHER UP-
LOVE EACH OTHER-

Feed the right wolf as there?s a battle for your souls and I want that F___ing black wolf to starve to death, until Christ returns and defeats evil forever!

God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change-

The courage to seek Christ and change those things that you can-

And may He grant you the wisdom to know the difference.

 
« Last Edit: November 03, 2018, 07:51:01 PM by cudakidd53 »
2012 Silverado LTZ - Duramax
Christian since 1975 - Field Trial Brittanys - NRA Lifetime Member

"When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. Hence, dealing with this fact is not difficult. It is only hard for those still living around you.....It's the same when you're stupid."

Offline Flyin6

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2018, 04:11:44 PM »
Sobering-

Well said

Awesome responsibility...
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Offline EL TATE

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2018, 06:48:03 PM »
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Husband, Father, Gear guy, Patriot.

Offline stlaser

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #10 on: October 31, 2018, 08:54:31 PM »
Thank you
Unretired, sweeping floor at GLO once again & making coffee.

Offline DOOLEY

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #11 on: October 31, 2018, 09:33:29 PM »
SIR, I ORDERED A HEADSTONE FOR MY FIRST GRANDDAUGHTER NOT LONG AGO, I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I NEVER GOT TO BOUNCE HER ON MY KNEE, BUT I AM WAITING ON A SECOND CHANCE. I CANT TELL YOU HW YOUR LOSS MAKES ME FEEL, BUT I ASSURE YOU YOU ARENT ALONE, I GIVE YOU MY HEART. I UNDERSTAND, AND AM SAD. MY LOVE MY BROTHER

Offline Bigdave_185

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #12 on: October 31, 2018, 10:25:48 PM »
That is very well spoken.  Thank you


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Online cudakidd53

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2018, 10:26:36 PM »
Thanks gents; Dooley, God has a plan and we only need to wait to see it unfold and be amazed.  May God lift you up and provide you comfort
2012 Silverado LTZ - Duramax
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"When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. Hence, dealing with this fact is not difficult. It is only hard for those still living around you.....It's the same when you're stupid."

Offline DOOLEY

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2018, 10:43:51 PM »
GOD BLESS YOU ALL. ITS BEEN HARD, I JUST FEEL THE LORD WAS LOW ON ANGELS AND NEEDED MINE, THATS THE ONLY WAY I CAN SEE IT.....

Offline EL TATE

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #15 on: November 01, 2018, 10:38:17 AM »
That's how I look at things too Dooley. We had a 5 month term miscarriage a few years before Sophie. Put me in a really dark, angry hole for a while. a little before I found this place and these men of God. Looking at it from the perspective of the soul was so precious he had to have it back helped me reconcile my anger and sadness with acceptance and relief. God bless all who have to bury their children.
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Offline Nate

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #16 on: November 03, 2018, 10:24:03 AM »
nice photo mike
Nate

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Online cudakidd53

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #17 on: November 03, 2018, 08:02:24 PM »
Thanks Nate-

So last weekend after the service I was in Michigan at a Field Trial where Jacob and I had spent some time together with our dogs and good friends.  I spread some of his ashes where I have a photo of him on horseback next to me.  The next evening I had a last beer with him as I spread some of his ashes next to a large tree near the start of one of the courses as the sun set. Spoke with God for awhile after saying goodbye.  Thought about the scene at the end of The Big Labowski and chuckled through the tears.   :beercheers:
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"When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. Hence, dealing with this fact is not difficult. It is only hard for those still living around you.....It's the same when you're stupid."

Offline stlaser

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #18 on: November 03, 2018, 10:33:07 PM »
I can?t imagine....
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Offline Flyin6

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #19 on: November 04, 2018, 08:05:49 AM »
I can't either
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Offline cruizng

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2018, 08:23:00 AM »
Mike, Our prayers will stay with you. Thank you for sharing and especially the awesome story of his friends and how they stepped up to ease some of the pain. It is obvious that Jacob was loved by many. A light gone too soon. Tears shared with you.
Mike
2008 D-Max pretty stock except small lift, tires, and intake.