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Offline cudakidd53

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A Father's Lamentation
« on: October 02, 2018, 11:28:46 AM »
A Fathers Lamentation

My son, Jacob Michael Poehler, lost his battle with Bipolar Depression on Friday night, September 28, 2018 in Milwaukie. Oregon; he took his own life.  His older sister and I spoke of the possibility of this outcome over the last few years.  We were out of communication with him over the last 4 months of his life; phone calls and texts were rarely answered and if they were there was no sustained conversations or information exchanged.  His mother is who he?d chosen to talk with and there wasn?t much sharing from that.

I received a text from Jacob?s mother while I was out of town on Saturday night imploring me to call her immediately; around 10pm she gave me the news.  I was devastated, out of town, alone in a hotel room and over 300 miles from my wife and 13 year old daughter.  I had to start making phone calls, my wife, my father, my childhood and best friend and his family as well as texting those whom I was closest with involved in the event that caused me to be out of town who fortunately are amongst my closest friends.

With the phone down, silent and finally out of my hand and ear, the silence of that room started to envelope me and my thoughts started to swirl.  I knew, that nothing I could do would bring Jacob back yet, immediately, all the things I should have done, all my failures as a husband to my first wife and a father to Jacob started to come in waves.

The one thing that survived the scrutiny of validation is this - I totally failed in my charge as a father, to bring my son up in the ways of the Lord.  The travesty of divorce drove me, unwillingly out of his and his older sister?s lives for roughly 8 years.  It wasn?t until the birth of their half sister that I was able to reconnect and start the process of repairing the damaged relationships between all of us, including Jacob?s mother.  I had some opportunities, but I failed to share God?s gift of salvation and redemption with my son and oldest daughter - the reality is this: because of my failure, Jacob is doomed to spend eternity in hell and away from the gift of everlasting life; I hope that I?m wrong, but there was never confirmation to me that Jacob accepted God?s gift of Salvation.  Bad enough that I?ve lost my son, but the possibility that Jacob?s act to escape the tortures of Bipolar Depression without accepting Christ has placed him in a far worse and more torturous place; Hell for eternity.  This is my cross to bear and the weight of it is crushing me!  Had I had discussions with Jacob about his depression and the transformative power of Christ?s love and the free gift of Salvation he might still be with us today and living free from the demons of Bipolar Depression; at least I would know he was at peace with God and have the promise of being together again in the glory and grace of Eternity with Christ. 

There is such a gaping hole in my soul acting like a vacuum sucking energy from my heart and leaving me feeling empty at times.  I?m doing well in spite of this, and know I will speak of this to the myriad of his friends from the world of Drifting - they have done amazing things already that were direct answers to my prayers and those of you Realmen!  I will speak at his memorial sometime at the end of the month and pray that I have the grace, courage and strength to speak the words to everyone there that I failed God and my son Jacob by not speaking to him.  I pray for the Holy Spirit to work through me and give me the words to write and speak to serve God?s plan in all of this.  It will not absolve me of guilt and failure, but give me the knowledge that I listened to His voice in that lonely motel room in Iowa last Saturday night.  I will know that in some small way I may reach someone else? sons and daughters; at least I might plant some seeds of hope for them.

Please speak the words your sons and daughters need to hear from you their fathers; I wish this quilt and pain on nobody else or their children.  God is great - let them know of his gift and at least then, the choice is theirs; I failed to inform and teach Jacob of that choice.

I now have a better grasp and understanding of the book of Lamentations?...
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"When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. Hence, dealing with this fact is not difficult. It is only hard for those still living around you.....It's the same when you're stupid."

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2018, 04:08:46 PM »
So sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine it. Praying for your strength and family. 
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Offline Bob/OlallaWa

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2018, 07:53:14 PM »
Deep Breath,,, Know that whatever you have done or wished you had done, at this point is mute. Hold you head high as you did the best you could do given the parameters you had to work with. So sorry for your loss, be strong and walk forward, God is walking with you.

Offline EL TATE

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2018, 12:14:43 PM »

Mental health is probably the worst thing I've had to deal with in my own life. Between my sister and my stepson your experience is ever present in my mind. One really bad day and one really bad decision and it could be over. I'm sorry that you have to experience this, and that he thought it was his only option at the time. He is the only one that will truly ever know if he'd accepted God's love, but in these scenarios, with an all loving God and the mass of doctrinal differences of opinion out there, I like to think about Christ ministering to the dead during after his death and before his resurrection. I don't know what the ultimate resolution is from that, but it gives me comfort somehow. I don't want to simply offer condolences or try to imagine how you must be feeling, but if this helps in anyway, then I've succeeded in being a friend. God bless you and your family and give you comfort in His love. I feel like He's hurting for you and your son as well.
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Offline Bigdave_185

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2018, 06:53:02 PM »
I don?t ever profess to be a religious scholar or bible thumper but there is one thing in this life I am positive of, our savior knows our hearts first and foremost. Second thought I have is that our God and him being our true father much like any of us fathers will not abandon those in need of help.   I am thankful everyday for the Holy Spirit and the grace of God that gets me by day by day.   

I have never had the personal experience like yours.  The thought of a good life lost always brings tears to my eyes.  Typing in a dark corner with a shut door of my now empty home thinking of the life that could have been. Life can be such a nasty business and we are here to live it.   Prayers for you and family and your son, that the good dead?s might shine a bright light for him to see in the darkness.

Sorry for rambling

Offline Farmer Jon

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2018, 07:39:11 AM »
Sorry for your loss.
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Offline Flyin6

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Re: A Father's Lamentation
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2018, 02:06:56 PM »
This is a lot

Two losses really

Very sorry for everything...
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